BDSM Tips & Techniques #2

OK so now, you’ve had a discussion with your partner and have agreed to give BDSM a try…good for you. Now what?

Terminology

What exactly does BDSM mean? Is it the same thing as kink, dominance, fantasy role play…well it could be and often is. Role play can simply be the naughty plumber scenario or something to that effect.

B stands for bondage. D stands for discipline. S stands for sadism and M stands for masochism. OK so…BD was originally a general term that indicated an interest in kink of any form, wasn’t just bondage. SM was often a term used to denote kinky and was actually first used by Richard von Krafft-Ebing in 1886 to describe sexual pathologies…but the kink community reclaimed the term in the early 1970’s.

Sadomasochism is simply the enjoyment of giving or receiving pain. The term sadist was inspired by the Marquis de Sade famous for writing rather graphic lit glorifying the infliction of pain in a sexual context. Masochism is inspired by Venus in Furs. This is very early erotic fiction featuring a protagonist who enjoyed receiving pain in a sexual context.

How do you Negotiate your Roles?

When you are talking with your partner you had better decide how you’d like to proceed. How do you want to play? Do you want to be the dominant or the submissive?  Or maybe you take turns? If you love the idea of blindfolding your partner and doing things to them, you might to consider being the top. If you are happy to let someone else take the lead, consider the role of bottom. You might fantasize about giving your partner control. If either role appeals to you, you might be called a switch meaning you’re happy either way to be a top or bottom.

Core Values

When you practice kink, you must follow a set of principles: consent, communication, education, safety, negotiation and after care. Consent is key and must be obtained each and every time you engage. You’d definitely begin a scene with consent and you’d want to check in while in the scene. And remember to stop immediately if the consent is no longer there. You also have to be intuitive, if you feel the energy has changed from eroticism to fear…listen to yourself and stop. Trust is extremely important.

Clearly it’s key to give consent, but you should also communicate and negotiate exactly what you want. It’s not fair to just say go for it…you should discuss your limits, your fantasies whether you are the top or bottom. This can be arousing for you both. You might want to consider a check list of each others kinks. Give it some thought, write a list, share with your kink partner and see if you are on the same wavelength. This is sometimes called a Yes-No-Maybe list. This really helps to understand each other’s comfort zones. Remember to check in during your scene, ask for feedback in an erotic way.

Educate yourself and your partner. Check out sites online. Read a book. You can even take a class or you used to be able to! Perhaps a Zoom class? You can learn the art of rope play or flogging. Use a safe word to reduce risk. Keep it simple, for instance use colours: red for stop, green for go and yellow for slow down. Make sure you are both clear on what this means to you. Or if you are gagged you must have a safe signal. One good trick is to have the submissive to hold something in their hand, if they let it go, stop immediately. If you are not sure, ask around. The BDSM community want to share their knowledge as long as you approach your questions with genuine interest and respect, they should be responsive and helpful.

Check in after the scene for feedback, likes, dislikes, what you want to explore next time. Respect each other and give one another space when required. Exhibit care and good listening skills. If you follow these guide lines you will have a good BDSM experience but remember we always get better the more we do something, so it’s OK if it’s not perfect the first time. You’ll get better the more you practice and this summer we have a lot of time!

Are you interested to try something new? If so, stay tuned all month for more tips and techniques. Follow us on Twitter,  Instagram and Facebook. Check in weekly for a new blog post.  If you are interested in more information or have more questions you can always Ask Pam. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for instructional videos. Sign up for our newsletter to receive tips, sale notifications and product features.